AD for ant traps. "Will kill ants for 3 months."
. . . do they come back to life then?

I will cut the grass only when I get Mowtivated.

if only my grass was as green as some things in my fridge

caring for your lawn requires a lot of water - most of it in the form of perspiration

A toddler who was found chewing on a slug.
After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,
"Well . . . What does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.

New gardeners learn by by trowel and error.

A Week in the life of a Gardener's Spouse
She dug the plot on Monday, the soil was rich and fine
But she forgot to put the dinner on, so out we went to dine.
She planted roses Tuesday, she says they are a must.
They really were quite lovely, but she forgot to dust.
On Wednesday it was daisies they opened with the sun,
All pinks and whites and yellows, but the laundry wasn't done.
The poppies came on Thursday all bright and cherry red,
I guess she really was engrossed, she never made the bed.
It was violets here on Friday in colours she adores,
It never bothered her at all, the dirt upon our floors.
Saturday I hired a maid, I'd not admit defeat,
She can garden all she wants now and the house will still be neat
It's nearly lunchtime Sunday I cannot find the maid,
Oh I don't believe it. She's out there alongside my wife with her own spade!

You Know you’re A Master Gardener When:
You rejoice in rain...even after 10 straight days of it.
You have pride in how bad your hands look.
You have a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You can give away plants easily, but compost is another thing.
Soil test results actually mean something.
IPM rules!
You’d rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothes store.
You look for gardens open to the public whenever you go on vacation.
Your non-gardening spouse is actually getting involved with your garden endeavors...digging ponds, building bird houses, watering, pruning, turning compost piles, planting...

My lawn's in pretty bad shape so I called Lawn Doctor. Guess what? Lawn Doctor doesn't make yard calls.
He did send out Yard Nurse.
You could tell she knew her business. She smelled like fertilizer.
Her hair looked like peat moss.
She was chewing on a rock.
I decided to stand on the front porch.
She took the grass's temperature.
She did a root scan.
Biopsied some weeds.
Sure enough, my worst fears were confirmed. My crabgrass is malignant.
She gave me the phone number for Lawn Mortician.


I've never won Yard of the Month, but once I did win Weed of the Week.

And God said, "Man has become too smug and sedentary." And He created fire ants.

Talk about high-tech! My new lawn mower not only mulches and is self-propelled -- it starts!

Lawn mowing is the perfect job for men--since they're used to going around in circles
.

GOD AND ST. FRANCIS DISCUSSING LAWNS

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?"
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about.....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

What do you get if you divide the circumference 
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.

"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."

"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.

A man should never plant a garden larger
than his wife can take care of.   

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